I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
