Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
