i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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