I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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