one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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