At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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