sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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