gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
