she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
