Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
