Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
