He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
