You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
