I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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