I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
