just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
