No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
