You smell like stripper and shame
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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