we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize