Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
