I accidentally had phone sex last night
worst night to have a conscience
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
