and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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