I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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