So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
