The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
