Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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