Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
