my phone needs a breathalizer
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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