I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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