I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
