'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
