you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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