none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
