The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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