Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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