I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
