I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Someone signed my nipple.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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