i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
