just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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