they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
