and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
