Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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