Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
