yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
