When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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