I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
