six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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