sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
