Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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