Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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