I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
