I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
