I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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