My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
