god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
