I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
