Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Life without a bra equals bliss.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
