shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
